This document will help provides basic information on screening, assessment, referral, and
treatment for problem gambling to substance abuse counselors, mental
health therapists, primary care physicians, and social workers.
Discusses financial issues and strategies.
Great for those dealing with a compulsive gambler, and also a good read for those who struggle with this addiction.
Download your problem gambling toolkit here
Showing posts with label gamanon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gamanon. Show all posts
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Gamanon: What is and is not forgiveness of a gambling spouse
What forgiveness is
• Choosing, not feeling. If you have been badly hurt, forgiving may be the last thing you feel like doing. Fortunately, forgiveness has very little to do with feelings and everything to do with choice.
Forgiveness can be tough – none of us would deny this – but it’s essential for any marriage to develop, grow and last. In their new book, The Highway Code for Marriage, Hilary and Michael Perrott give useful insights and practical suggestions into how choosing to forgive can make such a difference in a marriage.
A man told his friend, “Whenever my wife and I have an argument she becomes historical.” “You mean hysterical,” the friend replied. “No, I mean historical. She reminds me of everything I ever did!”
Little everyday injuries are so trivial we hardly notice that we forgive or are forgiven. He treads on her toe and says, “Oh, sorry!” and she replies, “That’s all right.” It was not deliberate. It hurt for only a few seconds. It is never referred to again and they both forget about it. Unthinkingly, she lets out a sharp word. He feels a momentary prick of pain, but he realises she is under pressure and makes no comment. He does not think about it, and after a few days there is no hurt and, in the end, no memory.
But what happens when there is a really big hurt? Every time you think about it you smoulder inside. It may have been a single act or the collective weight of a hundred small grievances. The anger does not go away. It grows into a long-term resentment that you have been treated this way. You feel you have been let down, embarrassed, deceived, betrayed. Your anger may be red-faced and loud-voiced or it may be as cold and hard as ice. There is a wall of bitterness between you. How can you forgive? Anyway, what is forgiveness?
What forgiveness is not
• Condoning. Forgiving them does not mean you approve of what they did.
• Forgetting. Forgive and forget? If the offence is small, yes, you will probably forget all about it. But if it is big, you may never forget, even if you forgive.
• Denying. For some, the pain is too great to take on board and so they deny that it happened at all, not only to others but to themselves.
• Pretending. You will not admit to anyone that you are hurting and you claim everything is fine, but the fact that you are not shouting or screaming does not mean that you are not angry.
• Losing. The person who forgives is not necessarily the loser. Forgiving may be winning.
What forgiveness is
• Choosing, not feeling. If you have been badly hurt, forgiving may be the last thing you feel like doing. Fortunately, forgiveness has very little to do with feelings and everything to do with choice. Just as you choose to talk when you would rather be silent, to be kind when to do so would be an effort, to be unselfish when the opposite is much more attractive, so to forgive is more a matter of choosing than feeling.
• Choosing not to dwell on the hurt. You cannot help the thought coming into your mind. Bang, it is there. Uninvited and unwelcome. But you are responsible for what you allow your mind to dwell on. The more you rehearse the hurtful words or deeds, the more indelible they become in your mind.
• Choosing not to talk about it. If you talk about it, you think about it. If you think about it, you feel it. If you feel it, it will hurt you. Each time you remind your wife how she hurt you, you hurt her – and yourself.
• Choosing not to retaliate. Justice may say, “An eye for an eye” – “If you do that to me, I’ll do it to you.” Forgiveness says, “I could, but I won’t.”
• Choosing to let it go. Some people find it particularly hard to let go of past hurt, but in the end it is a choice. One wife wrote, “I used to replay the video tapes of what he said and did over and over in my mind. Then one day I let it all go and I was free.”
• Choosing to go on choosing. One husband, when he forgave his wife for her unfaithfulness, said, “I felt all the pain go away.” But later he began to replay the tapes in his mind and all the pain came back again. He unforgave! Forgiving is not a one-off act, it is an ongoing attitude.
A final note
Forgiveness is for the forgiver as much as for the forgiven. Refusing to forgive is like shooting oneself in the foot. Forgiveness brings peace to a marriage and creates the attitude necessary to make a new beginning. It allows a couple to move on together.
You have a straight choice: pain or peace. Hold on to the hurt and it corrodes everything. Replay it in your mind, over and over, and the pain will grow and perhaps become hate. Let the hurt go and, though it may take time, the pain will go. It’s forgive or fester.
A wife and husband who are going to be best friends and enjoy a really deep companionship will learn that a good marriage is made up of two people who are not only givers of themselves but also forgivers of each other.
Adapted from ‘The Highway Code for Marriage’, by Hilary and Michael Perrot, published by CWR.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Highwa...errott/dp/1853453315
http://www.lookingatlife.org.uk/article_172
• Choosing, not feeling. If you have been badly hurt, forgiving may be the last thing you feel like doing. Fortunately, forgiveness has very little to do with feelings and everything to do with choice.
Forgiveness can be tough – none of us would deny this – but it’s essential for any marriage to develop, grow and last. In their new book, The Highway Code for Marriage, Hilary and Michael Perrott give useful insights and practical suggestions into how choosing to forgive can make such a difference in a marriage.
A man told his friend, “Whenever my wife and I have an argument she becomes historical.” “You mean hysterical,” the friend replied. “No, I mean historical. She reminds me of everything I ever did!”
Little everyday injuries are so trivial we hardly notice that we forgive or are forgiven. He treads on her toe and says, “Oh, sorry!” and she replies, “That’s all right.” It was not deliberate. It hurt for only a few seconds. It is never referred to again and they both forget about it. Unthinkingly, she lets out a sharp word. He feels a momentary prick of pain, but he realises she is under pressure and makes no comment. He does not think about it, and after a few days there is no hurt and, in the end, no memory.
But what happens when there is a really big hurt? Every time you think about it you smoulder inside. It may have been a single act or the collective weight of a hundred small grievances. The anger does not go away. It grows into a long-term resentment that you have been treated this way. You feel you have been let down, embarrassed, deceived, betrayed. Your anger may be red-faced and loud-voiced or it may be as cold and hard as ice. There is a wall of bitterness between you. How can you forgive? Anyway, what is forgiveness?
What forgiveness is not
• Condoning. Forgiving them does not mean you approve of what they did.
• Forgetting. Forgive and forget? If the offence is small, yes, you will probably forget all about it. But if it is big, you may never forget, even if you forgive.
• Denying. For some, the pain is too great to take on board and so they deny that it happened at all, not only to others but to themselves.
• Pretending. You will not admit to anyone that you are hurting and you claim everything is fine, but the fact that you are not shouting or screaming does not mean that you are not angry.
• Losing. The person who forgives is not necessarily the loser. Forgiving may be winning.
What forgiveness is
• Choosing, not feeling. If you have been badly hurt, forgiving may be the last thing you feel like doing. Fortunately, forgiveness has very little to do with feelings and everything to do with choice. Just as you choose to talk when you would rather be silent, to be kind when to do so would be an effort, to be unselfish when the opposite is much more attractive, so to forgive is more a matter of choosing than feeling.
• Choosing not to dwell on the hurt. You cannot help the thought coming into your mind. Bang, it is there. Uninvited and unwelcome. But you are responsible for what you allow your mind to dwell on. The more you rehearse the hurtful words or deeds, the more indelible they become in your mind.
• Choosing not to talk about it. If you talk about it, you think about it. If you think about it, you feel it. If you feel it, it will hurt you. Each time you remind your wife how she hurt you, you hurt her – and yourself.
• Choosing not to retaliate. Justice may say, “An eye for an eye” – “If you do that to me, I’ll do it to you.” Forgiveness says, “I could, but I won’t.”
• Choosing to let it go. Some people find it particularly hard to let go of past hurt, but in the end it is a choice. One wife wrote, “I used to replay the video tapes of what he said and did over and over in my mind. Then one day I let it all go and I was free.”
• Choosing to go on choosing. One husband, when he forgave his wife for her unfaithfulness, said, “I felt all the pain go away.” But later he began to replay the tapes in his mind and all the pain came back again. He unforgave! Forgiving is not a one-off act, it is an ongoing attitude.
A final note
Forgiveness is for the forgiver as much as for the forgiven. Refusing to forgive is like shooting oneself in the foot. Forgiveness brings peace to a marriage and creates the attitude necessary to make a new beginning. It allows a couple to move on together.
You have a straight choice: pain or peace. Hold on to the hurt and it corrodes everything. Replay it in your mind, over and over, and the pain will grow and perhaps become hate. Let the hurt go and, though it may take time, the pain will go. It’s forgive or fester.
A wife and husband who are going to be best friends and enjoy a really deep companionship will learn that a good marriage is made up of two people who are not only givers of themselves but also forgivers of each other.
Adapted from ‘The Highway Code for Marriage’, by Hilary and Michael Perrot, published by CWR.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Highwa...errott/dp/1853453315
http://www.lookingatlife.org.uk/article_172
Saturday, December 1, 2012
How Gamanon can help their Gamblers
Here are a few sites to help protect you:
Credit Karma - Check your score and their score frequently
Annual Credit Report - Run frequent reports of your and their credit report to ensure no new accounts have been opened
Life Lock - Protect your identity
Please remember - that compulsive gambling is a disease. Please attend local Gamanon meetings to learn how you can better help your loved one.
Credit Karma - Check your score and their score frequently
Annual Credit Report - Run frequent reports of your and their credit report to ensure no new accounts have been opened
Life Lock - Protect your identity
Please remember - that compulsive gambling is a disease. Please attend local Gamanon meetings to learn how you can better help your loved one.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Living with a Compulsive Gambler?
- Do you find yourself constantly bothered by bill
collectors?
- Is the person in question
often away from home for long, unexplained periods of time?
- Does this person ever lose
time from work due to gambling?
- Do you feel that this person
cannot be trusted with money?
- Does the person in question
faithfully promise that he or she will stop gambling; beg, plead for
another chance, yet gamble again and again?
- Does this person ever gamble
longer than he or she intended to, until the last dollar is gone?
- Does this person immediately
return to gambling to try to recover losses, or to win more?
- Does this person ever gamble
to get money to solve financial difficulties or have unrealistic
expectations that gambling will bring the family material comfort and
wealth?
- Does this person borrow money
to gamble with or to pay gambling debts?
- Has this person's reputation
ever suffered due to gambling, even to the extent of committing illegal
acts to finance gambling?
- Have you come to the point of
hiding money needed for living expenses, knowing that you and the rest of
the family may go without food and clothing if you do not?
- Do you search this person's
clothing or go through his or her wallet when the opportunity presents
itself, or otherwise check on his/her activities?
- Does the person in question
hide his or her money?
- Have you noticed a
personality change in the gambler as his or her gambling progresses?
- Does the person in question
consistently lie to cover up or deny his or her gambling activities?
- Does this person use guilt
induction as a method of shifting responsibilities for his or her gambling
upon you?
- Do you attempt to anticipate
this person's moods, or try to control his or her life?
- Does this person ever suffer
from remorse or depression due to gambling, sometimes to the point of
self-destruction?
- Has the gambling ever brought
you to the point of threatening to break up the family unit?
- Do you feel that your life together is a nightmare?
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Gam-Anon suggested points 16-20
This is the last of a four part posting on the 20 suggested points for Gam-Anon members.
16. Come to Gam-Anon even if your gambler continues to gamble. We understand your problem and we can help you through our program.
17. You may wish to obtain a personal credit report.
18. You may wan to obtain information as to your liability on existing credit cards and credit lines.
19. You may want to contact your Internet company to find out how to limit access to gambling and sports websites as appropriate to your needs.
20. You may want to seek appropriate legal advice for answers if: there is a question of liability for taxes (past, present, and future); you want to change title to real property; you have questions about pension, ownership of insurance policies and any other matters you feel require legal advice.
As always, thank you family members for your support!
16. Come to Gam-Anon even if your gambler continues to gamble. We understand your problem and we can help you through our program.
17. You may wish to obtain a personal credit report.
18. You may wan to obtain information as to your liability on existing credit cards and credit lines.
19. You may want to contact your Internet company to find out how to limit access to gambling and sports websites as appropriate to your needs.
20. You may want to seek appropriate legal advice for answers if: there is a question of liability for taxes (past, present, and future); you want to change title to real property; you have questions about pension, ownership of insurance policies and any other matters you feel require legal advice.
As always, thank you family members for your support!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Gam-Anon suggested points 11-15
This is the third of a four part posting on the 20 suggested points for Gam-Anon members.
11. Prudence tells us that compulsive gamblers are seldom able to handle finances. Perhaps this condition will be altered as the gambler progresses toward recovery.
12. Gamblers Anonymous is a program for the compulsive gambler. Do not interfere. Work your own program.
13. It may be beneficial to encourage the gambler to go to the first few meetings, however, after this the GA activities must be left to the gambler.
14. Recovery is a very slow process for the gambler. Give the gambler encouragement and have confidence in the GA and Gam-Anon programs.
15. The past is gone. Peace of mind can be found when the past is accepted without resentment.
As always, thank you family members for your support!
11. Prudence tells us that compulsive gamblers are seldom able to handle finances. Perhaps this condition will be altered as the gambler progresses toward recovery.
12. Gamblers Anonymous is a program for the compulsive gambler. Do not interfere. Work your own program.
13. It may be beneficial to encourage the gambler to go to the first few meetings, however, after this the GA activities must be left to the gambler.
14. Recovery is a very slow process for the gambler. Give the gambler encouragement and have confidence in the GA and Gam-Anon programs.
15. The past is gone. Peace of mind can be found when the past is accepted without resentment.
As always, thank you family members for your support!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Gam-Anon suggested points 6-10
This is the second of a four part posting on the 20 suggested points for Gam-Anon members.
6. To nag the gambler about past losses or to talk of what might have been will prove detrimental to both the gambler's and your recovery.
7. It is not recommended that the Gam-Anon member go to work specifically to cover the gambling debts. Restitution is the responsibility of the gambler.
8. The gambler, not the Gam-Anon member, should be responsible for calling the gambler's creditors to make restitution. Don't take this responsibility from the gambler.
9. It is strongly suggested that NO ONE finance, sign for or consolidate the gambler's debts. Experience has taught us that it is not helpful to borrow money to cover the gambling debts whether or not the gambler is in GA. Discourage friends and family from lending the gambler money.
10. The gambler's gambling debts were not incurred over a short period of time, therefore, don't be discouraged if the gambler finds it necessary to pay back small amounts of monies over an extended period. Normal family expenses must come first.
6. To nag the gambler about past losses or to talk of what might have been will prove detrimental to both the gambler's and your recovery.
7. It is not recommended that the Gam-Anon member go to work specifically to cover the gambling debts. Restitution is the responsibility of the gambler.
8. The gambler, not the Gam-Anon member, should be responsible for calling the gambler's creditors to make restitution. Don't take this responsibility from the gambler.
9. It is strongly suggested that NO ONE finance, sign for or consolidate the gambler's debts. Experience has taught us that it is not helpful to borrow money to cover the gambling debts whether or not the gambler is in GA. Discourage friends and family from lending the gambler money.
10. The gambler's gambling debts were not incurred over a short period of time, therefore, don't be discouraged if the gambler finds it necessary to pay back small amounts of monies over an extended period. Normal family expenses must come first.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Gam-Anon suggested points 1-5
This is the first of a four part posting on the 20 suggested points for Gam-Anon members.
- Accept and learn to live with the fact that compulsive gambling is an illness that cannot be cured, only arrested.
- Please do not repeat anything you hear in the room to anyone. What you hear there, who you see there, let it stay there.
- During the Gam-Anon meeting suggestions should be given and received with an open mind.
- Attend meetings regularly and make use of the telephone and e-mail during the week.
- To interrogate the gambler will serve no purpose. If the gambler wishes to hide the truth, interrogation will prove pointless.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thankful for our families
Always remember that Our Families work so hard to help us recover. Gam-Anon is not easy, we are not easy, but together with our GA family and our individual family, we can overcome this disease.
Remember to thank your family today for their love and support.
Gam-Anon was established as a support group for spouses and other family members to help them deal with the consequences of their problem gambler’s behavior. It is based on 12 steps that are similar to the steps of Gamblers Anonymous and is a road map to personal change and self improvement through the belief in a Higher Power.
Remember to thank your family today for their love and support.
Gam-Anon was established as a support group for spouses and other family members to help them deal with the consequences of their problem gambler’s behavior. It is based on 12 steps that are similar to the steps of Gamblers Anonymous and is a road map to personal change and self improvement through the belief in a Higher Power.
12 Steps for Gam-Anon
1. We admitted we were powerless over the problem in our family.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore
us to a normal way of thinking and living. Gam-Anon states that a belief
in a Higher Power along with an honest look at themselves will help to
resolve their fears, worries and suspicions.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this power of our own understanding. Step three is the willingness to accept the will of a Higher Power and to let go of self-will. Self-will is said to be at the very root of bitterness, worries and unhappiness among Gam-Anon members.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This can be a very difficult step since most Gam-Anon members have been blaming the gambler for his or her own shortcomings. Gam-Anon provides a list of personal assets and liabilities to use as a guideline when working on step four.
5. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. In this step one seeks out a person who can be trusted to share the information from his or her fourth step inventory. As the person “unloads” his or her past, a feeling of freedom and piece of mind enables him or her to continue growing in recovery.
6. Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed. Recognizing and owning personal character defects in steps four and five now allow members to bring about positive change. Gam-Anon states that many of their members begin working on self-pity and resentment towards their long-term goal, which is peace of mind.
7. Humbly ask God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings. After becoming well aware of one’s shortcoming, help is now required in order to change. Having made a decision to turn one’s will over to a Higher Power in step three, it is time to humbly ask Him to remove one’s shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Step eight asks for a list to be made of all those harmed. Early on it can be difficult to realize how one has harmed so many people. Harsh punishment, misdirected anger and criticizing others can be common reasons for harming family, friends or co-workers.
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Making amends to those harmed is an opportunity to bring about change in the spirit of love, kindness and general well-being. Step nine also states that one should be careful not to hurt anyone in the process of making amends.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Complacency can lead back to old feelings and behaviors. Step ten asks to reflect on oneself on a daily basis to evaluate one’s own progress or shortcomings. Step ten also requires the person to admit to any wrongdoing immediately. Following this step will lead towards spiritual growth and serenity.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out. This step will open the door to a new and more spiritual way of living. It is suggested to start each day with a prayer or thought of one’s Higher Power to make each day a better day.
12. Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to others. Having had some measure of success in working through the other steps, it is now time to carry out the main purpose of the Gam-Anon program, which is to help others who are still suffering from the gambling problem in their home.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this power of our own understanding. Step three is the willingness to accept the will of a Higher Power and to let go of self-will. Self-will is said to be at the very root of bitterness, worries and unhappiness among Gam-Anon members.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This can be a very difficult step since most Gam-Anon members have been blaming the gambler for his or her own shortcomings. Gam-Anon provides a list of personal assets and liabilities to use as a guideline when working on step four.
5. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. In this step one seeks out a person who can be trusted to share the information from his or her fourth step inventory. As the person “unloads” his or her past, a feeling of freedom and piece of mind enables him or her to continue growing in recovery.
6. Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed. Recognizing and owning personal character defects in steps four and five now allow members to bring about positive change. Gam-Anon states that many of their members begin working on self-pity and resentment towards their long-term goal, which is peace of mind.
7. Humbly ask God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings. After becoming well aware of one’s shortcoming, help is now required in order to change. Having made a decision to turn one’s will over to a Higher Power in step three, it is time to humbly ask Him to remove one’s shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Step eight asks for a list to be made of all those harmed. Early on it can be difficult to realize how one has harmed so many people. Harsh punishment, misdirected anger and criticizing others can be common reasons for harming family, friends or co-workers.
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Making amends to those harmed is an opportunity to bring about change in the spirit of love, kindness and general well-being. Step nine also states that one should be careful not to hurt anyone in the process of making amends.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Complacency can lead back to old feelings and behaviors. Step ten asks to reflect on oneself on a daily basis to evaluate one’s own progress or shortcomings. Step ten also requires the person to admit to any wrongdoing immediately. Following this step will lead towards spiritual growth and serenity.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out. This step will open the door to a new and more spiritual way of living. It is suggested to start each day with a prayer or thought of one’s Higher Power to make each day a better day.
12. Having made an effort to practice these principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to others. Having had some measure of success in working through the other steps, it is now time to carry out the main purpose of the Gam-Anon program, which is to help others who are still suffering from the gambling problem in their home.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Some Reasons Why Seniors Gamble
Boredom: Due to an overabundance of leisure time after retirement, limited availability of other social activities, general physical limitations.
Loneliness: Often caused by relocation after retirement or the loss of a spouse, child or lifelong friend.
Escape: Usually stemming from an inability to cope with loss or other emotional and physical traumas associated with the later stages of life.
Excitement/Social interaction: Many seniors find gambling an exciting activity at a time when excitement may be very limited. Others find it an opportunity to socialize.
Safety and convenience: The casino provides transportation and a facility with guards and other watchful eyes.
Loneliness: Often caused by relocation after retirement or the loss of a spouse, child or lifelong friend.
Escape: Usually stemming from an inability to cope with loss or other emotional and physical traumas associated with the later stages of life.
Excitement/Social interaction: Many seniors find gambling an exciting activity at a time when excitement may be very limited. Others find it an opportunity to socialize.
Safety and convenience: The casino provides transportation and a facility with guards and other watchful eyes.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Gam-Anon: How to help a parent
- Help yourself first. Do not take on the burden, financial or emotional, of the addict. Give yourself permission to step back. Offer support to your parents, and encourage them to get help, but do not blame yourself.
- Don't do it alone. Seek the support of others who have gone through the same thing or see a therapist to sort out your own feelings. Gam-Anon is a fellowship for loved ones of problem gamblers. The organization's website has a list of meeting schedules by state. If your parents are open to getting help for themselves, refer them to Gamblers Anonymous, which offers free help through the 12 Steps recovery program.
- Set money management boundaries. Ensure that your own finances are not at risk. You can also offer to take control of the gamblers' finances until they are rehabilitated. If the gambler refuses to give up control of finances, let it go. Let them know that you are willing to listen and offer support when and if they are ready. You cannot force them into giving up control of their finances or into quitting gambling. Be clear that you are there for them if they want to talk in the future, but you will not loan them money for gambling.
- Decide how you will handle requests for money. Problem gamblers often become good at manipulating loved ones into giving them money to support their addiction. Have a plan in place so you will not enable the gambler or demean yourself or your finances. If your parents approach you for money, tell them directly how you feel. For example, "I won't lend you money or lie for you to cover your losses, but I can help you find support for your problem."
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