Your past does not define you

August 20 - All of the Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural inclinations and desires; they puncture, squeeze, and finally deflate our egos.  When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than the Fifth, which suggests that we "admit to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."  Few Steps are harder to take, yes, but scarcely any other Step is as necessary to long-term freedom from gambling addiction.

Have I quit living by myself with the tormenting ghosts of yesterday?

Today I Pray - May God give me strength to face that great ego-pincher - Step Five.  May I not hesitate to call a trusted hearer of Firth Steps, set up a meeting, and share this Step.  By accepting responsibility for my behavior, and then sharing my account of it with one other, I am actually unburdening myself.

Today I Will Remember - My Fifth Step pain is also my liberation.

How does gamblers anonymous work?

August 19 - "How does the Gamblers Anonymous Program work?" newcomers sometimes ask.  The two answers I most often hear are "very well" and "slowly."  I'm appreciative of both answers, facetious as they may first sound, because my self-analyzing tends to be faulty.  Sometimes I've failed to share my defects with the right people; other times, I've confessed their defects, rather than my own; at still other times, my sharing of defects has been more in the nature of shrill complaints about problems.  The fact is that none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, and the confession of shortcomings that the Steps require.  But we eventually see that the GA Program really works.

Have I picked up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at my feet?

Today I Pray - May God keep me from laying out my defects by comparing them to someone else's.  We are, by nature, relativists and comparers, who think in terms of "worse than," "not quite as bad as," or "better than."  May I know that my faults are faults, whether or not they are "better than" others'.

Today I Will Remember - Shortcomings are shortcomings, even when they are "better than."

Don't fool yourself into gambling again

August 18 - As compulsive gamblers, self-delusion was intricately woven through almost all of what we thought and did.  We became experts at convincing ourselves, when necessary, that black was white, that wrong was right, or even that day was night.  Now that we're in the Gamblers Anonymous Program, our need for self-delusion is fading.  If I'm fooling myself these days, my sponsor can spot it quickly.  And, as he or she skillfully steers me away from my fantasies, I find that I'm less and less likely to defend myself against reality and unpleasant truths about myself.  Gradually, in the process, my pride, fear, and ignorance are losing their destructive power.

Do I firmly believe that a solitary self-appraisal wouldn't be nearly enough?

Today I Pray - May I understand that not only must I look to my Higher Power, but that I needed to trust my fellow members of the group in this Step of self-evaluation.  For we mirror each other in all our delusions and fantasies, and with these facing mirrors, we produce a depth of perspective that we could never come by alone.

Today I Will Remember - To see myself all around, I need a three way mirror - with reflections from God, my friends, and me.

Find the goodness in you

August 17 - The Fourth Step suggests we make a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory - not an immoral inventory of ourselves.  The Steps are guidelines to recovery, not whipping posts for self-flagellation.  Taking my inventory doesn't mean concentrating on my shortcomings until all the good is hidden from view.  By the same token, recognizing the good need not be an act of pride or conceit.  If I recognize my good qualities as God-given, I can take an inventory with true humility while experiencing satisfaction in what is pleasant, loving, and generous in me.

Will I try to believe, in Walt Whitman's words, "I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness..."

Today I Pray - When I find good things about myself, as I undertake this inner archaeological dig, may I give credit where it is due - to God, who is the giver of all good.  May I appreciate whatever is good about me with humility, as a gift from God.

Today I Will Remember - Goodness is a gift from God.

Take comfort in your positive qualities

August 16 - Inventory taking isn't always done in red ink.  It's a rare day when we haven't done something right.  As I uncover and face my shortcomings, my many good qualities will be revealed to me also, reminding me that they have the same reality as my faults.  Even when we've tried hard and failed, for instance, we can chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all.  I'll try to appreciate my good qualities, because they not only offset the faults, but give me a foundation on which to grow.  It's just as self-deceptive to discount what's good in us as to justify what is not.

Can I take comfort in my positive qualities, accepting myself as a friend?

Today I Pray - If I find only defects when I look in that Fourth Step mirror, may I be sure that I am missing something - namely my good points.  Although my ultra-modesty may be approved socially, may I learn that it is just as dishonest as rationalizing away my faults.  Even an out-and-out failure, if examined from all sides, may turn up a plus along with the obvious minuses.

Today I Will Remember - To give myself, if not an A for effort, at least an average B minus.

Take Stock in your Future

August 15 - It's often said that you can't tell a book by its cover.  For many of us, our "covers" or surface records haven't looked all that bad; it seemed at first, that making an inventory would be "a breeze."  As we proceeded, we were dismayed to discover that our "covers" were relatively blemish-free only because we'd deeply buried our defects beneath layers of self-deception.  For that reason, self-searching can be a long-term process; it must go on for as long as we remain blind to the flaws that ambushed us into addiction and misery.

Will I try to face myself as I am, correcting whatever is keeping me from being the person I want to be?

Today I Pray - May God aid me in my soul-searching, because I have hidden many of my faults neatly from friends, family, and especially myself.  If I feel "more sinned against, than sinning," may I take it as a clue that I need to dig deeper for the real me.

Today I Will Remember - Taking stock of myself is buying stock in my future.

Find yourself in the middle of nowhere?

August 14 - Step Four enables me to see myself as I really am - my characteristics, motives, attitudes, and behaviors.  I'm taught in Gamblers Anonymous to search out my mistakes resolutely.  Where, for example, had I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened?  I'm taught, also, that my deeply rooted habit of self-justification may tempt me to "explain away" each fault as I uncover it, blaming others for my own shortcomings.

Will I believe that personal honesty can achieve what superior knowledge often cannot?

Today I Pray - May I not make the Fourth Step a once-over-lightly, let's-get-it-over-with exercise in self-appraisal.  May I know that, once I take this Step, I must review it again many times until it becomes, like the other eleven, a way of life for me.  May I protect the value of my Fourth Step from my old habit of head-tripping and buckpassing my way out of responsibility.

Today I Will Remember - Personal honesty paves the way to recovery.

Don't run from your recovery

August 13 - The Gamblers Anonymous Program's Fourth Step suggests that we make a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.  For some of us, no challenge seems more formidable; there's nothing more difficult than facing ourselves as we really are.  We flee from one wrongdoing after another as they catch up with us, forever making excuses, pleading always that our virtues in other areas far outweigh our flaws.  Yet once we become willing to look squarely and self-searchingly at ourselves, we're then able to illuminate the dark and negative side of our natures with new vision, determination, and grace.

Am I willing to open my eyes and step out into the sunlight?

Today I Pray - May my Higher Power stop me in my tracks if I am running away from myself.  For I will never overcome my misdeeds, or the flaws in my character that brought them about, by letting them chase me.  May I slow down and turn to face them with the most trusty weapon I know - truth.

Today I Will Remember - I will not be a fugitive from myself. 

Allow serenity into your life

August 12 - Someone once inquired of a Zen master, "How do you maintain such serenity and peace?" He replied, "I never leave my place of meditation."  Although he meditated early in the morning, for the rest of the day he carried the peace of those moments with him.  Being quiet, slowing down, is one of the most difficult tasks facing most compulsive gamblers in their recovery.  Action has been a way of life for so long that I have to learn all over again to slow down and listen.  Beginning each day in prayer and meditation can be the most rewarding experience of my day.  When I choose to take that peace and serenity with me throughout the day, the world itself seems to slow down and move at my pace, rather than spinning so fast that I'm always running to catch up.

Will I cherish the glorious peace that comes through mediation?

Today I Pray - May my days begin slowly, in quietness, and remain peaceful, as I keep my focus on what is before me to do at the moment, instead of projecting a blur of unsettling activity.  As frenetic action was a symptom of my compulsion, serenity is a sign of my recovery.

Today I Will Remember - To allow serenity into my life.

Don't sweat the small stuff

August 11 - When I dwell on piddling things that annoy me - and they sprout resentments that grow bigger and bigger like weeds - I forget how I could be stretching my world and broadening my outlook.  For me, that's an ideal way to shrink troubles down to their real size.  When somebody or something is causing me trouble, I should try to see the incident in relation to the rest of my life - especially the part that's good and for which I should be grateful.

Am I willing to waste my life worrying about trifles that drain my spiritual energy?

Today I Pray - May God keep me form worrying unduly about small things.  May He, instead, open my eyes to the grandeur of His universe and the ceaseless wonders of His earth.  May He grant me the breadth of vision that can reduce any small, fretful concern of mine to the size of a fly on a cathedral window.

Today I Will Remember - Microscopic irritations can ruin my vision.

All injustices cannot be fixed

August 10 - We've been our own worst enemies most of our lives, and we've often injured ourselves seriously as a result of a "justified" resentment over a slight wrong.  Doubtless there are many causes for resentment in the world, most of them providing "justification."  But we can never begin to settle all the world's grievances or even arrange things so as to please everybody.  If we've been treated unjustly by others or simply by life itself, we can avoid compounding the difficulty by completely forgiving the persons involved and abandoning the destructive habit of reviewing our hurts and humiliations.

Can I believe that yesterday's hurt is today's understanding, rewoven into tomorrow's love?

Today I Pray - Whether I am unjustly treated or just think I am, may I try not to be a resentful person, stewing over past injuries.  Once I have identified the root emotion behind my resentment, may I be big enough to forgive the person involved and wise enough to forget the whole thing.

Today I Will Remember - Not all injustice can be fixed.

Set aside fear and resentments

August 9 - On numerous occasions, I've found that there's a strong connection between my fears and my resentments.  If I secretly fear that I'm inadequate, for example, I'll tend to resent deeply anybody whose actions or words expose my imagined inadequacy.  But it's usually too painful to admit that my own fears and doubts about myself are the cause of my resentments.  It's a lot easier to pin the blame on someone else's "bad behavior" or "selfish motives" - and use that as the justification for my resentments.

Do I realize that by resenting someone, I allow that person to live rent-free in my head?

Today I Pray - May God help me overcome my feelings of inadequacy.  May I know that when I consistently regard myself as a notch or two lower than the next person, I am not giving due credit to my Creator, who has given each of us a special and worthwhile blend of talents.  I am, in fact, grumbling about God's Divine Plan.  May I look behind my trash-pile of resentments for my own self-doubt.

Today I Will Remember - As I build myself up, I tear down my resentments.

Let go of the anger

August 8 - As a recovering compulsive gambler, I have to remind myself that no amount of social acceptance of resentments will take the poison out of them.  In a way, the problem of resentments is very much like the gambling problem.  A poker game or casino is never safe for me.  I've attended benefits for worthy causes, often in a convivial atmosphere that makes gambling seem almost harmless.

Just as I politely but adamantly decline gambling under any conditions, will I also refuse to accept resentments?

Today I Pray - When anger, hurt, fear, or guilt - to be socially acceptable - put on their polite, party manners, dress up as resentments, and come in the side door, may I not hobnob with them.  These emotions, disguised as they are, can be as full of trickery as gambling itself.

Today I Will Remember - Keep an eye on the side door.

Let go of the resentments

August 7 - What can we do about our resentments?  Experience has shown that the best thing to do is to write them down, listing people, institutions, or principles that are objects of our anger or resentment.  When I write down my resentments and then ask myself why I'm resentful, I've discovered that in most cases my self-esteem, my finances, my ambitions, or my personal relationships have been hurt or threatened.

Will I ever learn that the worst thing about my resentments is my endless rehearsal of my acts of retribution?

Today I Pray - May God help me find a way to get rid of my resentments.  May I give up the hours spent making up little play-lets, in which I star as the angry man or woman cleverly shouting down the person who has threatened me.  Since these dramas are never produced, may I instead list my resentful feelings and look at the whys behind each one.  May this be a way of shelving them.

Today I Will Remember - Resentments cause violence: resentments cause illness in nonviolent people.

Resentments are rubbish

August 6 - Sometimes through bitter experience and painful lessons, we learn in our fellowship with others in Gamblers Anonymous that resentment is our number one enemy.  It destroys more of us than anyone else.  From resentment stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we've been not only mentally and physically ill, but spiritually ill as well.  As we recover and as our spiritual illness is remedied, we become well physically and mentally.

Am I aware that few things are more bitter than to feel bitter?  Do I see that my venom is more poisonous to me than to my victim?

Today I Pray - I ask for help in removing the pile of resentments I have collected.  May I learn that resentments are play-actors, too; they may be fears - losing a job, a love, an opportunity; they may be hurts or guilty feelings.  May I know that God is my healer.  May I admit my need.

Today I Will Remember - Resentments are rubbish; haul them away.

Be good to yourself

August 5 - Among the important things we learn in Gamblers Anonymous is to be good to ourselves.  For so many of us though, this is a surprisingly difficult thing to do.  Some of us relish our suffering so much that we balloon each happening to enormous proportions in the reliving and telling.  Self-pitiers are drawn to martyrdom as if by a powerful magnet - until the joys of serenity and contentment come to them though the GA Program and Twelve Steps.

Am I gradually learning to be myself?

Today I Pray - May I learn to forgive myself.  I have asked - and received - forgiveness from God and from others, so why is it so hard to forgive myself?  Why do I still magnify my suffering?  Why do I go on licking my emotional wounds?  May I follow God's forgiving example, get on with the Program, and learn to be good to myself.

Today I Will Remember - Martyrdom; martyr dumb.

Count your Blessings

August 4 - One of the best ways to get out of the self-pity trap is to do some "instant bookkeeping."  For every entry of misery on the debit side of our ledger, we can surely find a blessing to mark on the credit side:  the health we enjoy, the illnesses we don't have, the friends who love us and who allow us to love them, a clean twenty-four hours, a good day's work.  If we only try, we can easily list a whole string of credits that will far outweigh the debit entries that bring about self-pity.

Is my emotional balance on the credit side today?

Today I Pray - May I learn to sort out my debits and credits, and add it all up.  May I list my several blessings on the credit side.  May my ledger show me, when all is totaled, a fat fund of good things to draw on.

Today I Will Remember - I have blessings in my savings.

Work the 12 Steps

August 3 - The Twelve Steps were designed specifically for people like us - as a short cut to God.  The Steps are very much like strong medicine that can heal us of the sickness of despair, frustration, and self-pity.  Yet we're sometimes unwilling to use the Steps.  Why?  Perhaps because we have a deep-down desire for martyrdom.  Consciously and intellectually, we think we want help on a gut level, though, some hidden sense of guilt makes us crave punishment more than relief from our ills.

Can I try to be cheerful when everything seems to be leading me to despair?  Do I realize that despair is very often a mask for self-pity?

Today I Pray - May I pull out the secret guild inside that makes me want to punish myself.  May I probe my despair and discover whether it is really an impostor - self-pity with a mask on.  Now that I know that the Twelve Steps can bring relief, may I please use them instead of wallowing in my discomforts.

Today I Will Remember - The Twelve Steps are God's Stairway.

Haha on the picture today!  It made me chuckle!

Compare yourself to the person from yesterday

August 2 - When I begin to compare my life with the lives of others, I've begun to move toward the edge of the murky swamp of self-pity.  On the other hand, if I feel that what I'm doing is right and good, I won't be so dependent on the admiration or approval of others.  Applause is well and good, but it's not essential to my inner contentment.  I'm in the Gamblers Anonymous Program to get rid of self-pity, not to increase its power to destroy me.

Am I learning how others have dealt with their problems, so I can apply these lessons to my own life?

Today I Pray - God, make me ever mindful of where I came from and the new goals I have been encouraged to set.  May I stop playing to an audience for their approval, since I am fully capable of admiring or applauding myself if I feel I have earned it.  Help me make myself attractive from the inside, so it will show through, rather than adorning the outside for effect.  I am tired of stage make-up and costumes, God; help me be myself.

Today I Will Remember - Has anyone seen ME?

Self pity is our worst enemy

August 1 - Self-pity is one of the most miserable and consuming defects I know.  Because of its interminable demands for attention and sympathy, my self-pity cuts off my communication with others, especially communication with my Higher Power.  When I look at it that way, I realize that self-pity limits my spiritual progress.  It's also a very real form of martyrdom, which is a luxury I simply can't afford.  The remedy, I've been taught, is to have a hard look at myself and a still harder one at the Gamblers Anonymous Program's Twelve Steps to Recovery.

Do I ask my Higher Power to relieve me of the bondage to self?

Today I Pray - May I know from observation that self-pitiers get almost no pity from anyone else.  Nobody - not even God - can fill their outsized demands for sympathy.  May I recognize my own unsavory feeling of self-pity when it creeps in to rob me of my serenity.  May God keep me wary of its sneakiness.

Today I Will Remember - My captor is my self.